I hadn’t realized that I haven’t blogged in so long! I mean, I knew it had been awhile but I didn’t know it had been so long one might be led to believe I’ve abandoned ship! Not to fear, I’ve got an update here! I can now understand why there are so many vloggers on YouTube that come up missing after some time passes though. Somewhere between the preop diet, having surgery, and being a couple weeks postop you’re swept up in this whole new life in which it feels like an entire lifetime passes each day. There’s so much that happens. Some things entirely new and other things that are old situations but you have a fresh point of view. I absolutely believe that there’s no possible way to have bariatric surgery and be “the same person”. You may feel deeply like *who you are* is the same but the things that are different are HUGE differences to those around you and they also make a HUGE difference in the new people that want to be around you. This is a difficult concept to grasp and I’m working with it everyday.
Before I write too much I’ll also add that (at least for me) I have the attention span now of a gnat! I used to be able to focus on one task no matter how boring it might be or focus on an issue that was making me angry for a momentous amount of time but now that time span has been cut down to about 15-20 minutes. My thoughts are also all over the place so you’ll have to forgive my jumping around topics throughout this post. I have to just put whatever I think out there when I think it or else I’ll get sidetracked and forget completely. Why? I have no idea. Calorie deficit? High protein levels? Ketosis? Bariatric brain? Whatever.
Back to my update.
Thus far I’ve lost 50 lbs which puts me exactly at 50 lbs more to go until I reach my personal goal and 40 lbs more until I reach my surgeons goal. I feel fairly confident that I’ll reach goal prior to my one year Surgiversary and this brings about a host of different emotions. All my life I’ve been a chronic yo-yo dieter so I always kept clothes of a wide range of sizes in my closet “just in case”. This time around I’m getting rid of things as I go down in weight. As much as I’ve heard, read, or observed bariatric patients (and anyone that loses weight really) experiencing regain, something just feels final this time around. That doesn’t make this any less difficult mentally. There’s such a vast difference between how I’m treated now versus how I was treated when I was morbidly obese it’s jarring. I don’t know any other way to put it and I don’t know if that is something I’ll be able to let go for awhile. As I am still 50 lbs overweight I can’t begin to fathom where I’ll stand in society once I am for the first time in my entire life a *normal weight*. As bothered as I am by others’ reactions to my weight loss at times the positive aspect of that is that more than ever in my life I turn inward for strength instead of leaning on others. I appreciate any and all positive energy that comes my way but I also know that I have to inherently know who I am, what I stand for, what’s okay and what isn’t by me, and that I am a beautiful human being regardless of my size….because *society* will mess with your head.
Other news to spew before It falls right out of the left side of my short term memory bank. I’ve been hearing that Drake song “No New Friends” and have been feeling the exact opposite! In hindsight I look back on who I have allowed to get close to me and frankly I’m appalled. It truly is a reflection of how I felt about myself at the time in my life when I chose to call them friends. I realize that a great deal of the time I was just grateful to have anyone willing to be around or have a conversation with me. Now as I’m setting up boundaries of what is okay and what isn’t and what I like and what I don’t, my friendships are dwindling. Soon I’m pretty sure I’ll end up with either “All New Friends” or “No Friends Period” ;). I’ve cried about this at other times but right now all I can do is laugh because it’s amazing how much things have changed in my life in the past couple of months. I couldn’t have anticipated all of these changes at all but I’m enormously grateful to be where I am right now.
Now for the stereotypical comment about how this has been the best decision I’ve ever made for myself.
I know it’s been said by many many bariatric post ops but I can’t help but repeat it because it’s the truth. To anyone that might be on the fence about bariatric surgery, just doing some research, or going through the process to have surgery in the future, I can bet almost anything that you won’t regret it. I really tried to gauge what my life would be like after surgery physically and emotionally and I felt like I almost had it pegged before even getting on the operating table but I had no idea. To those that have children it’s similar to that. Before you have a baby you plan everything out about how you’re going to raise your child and what kind of parent you’re going to be. The baby pops out and all of your plans go right out the window. Some parts of your plan actually pan out (maybe you actually bring baby home in the outfit you picked, maybe you’re able to breastfeed, maybe baby grows up to be a doctor or lawyer) and other aspects (plans to keep the house clean, baby will never ever have sugar or processed food or both for dinner, baby will grow into a child that never says a hostile word to you or slams a door) go up in smoke.
Prior to surgery I had made a vow in my mind that I wouldn’t consume any more junk food of any type…ever again. If I craved something sweet? Protein shake. Want some pasta? Spaghetti squash! Have a taste for chips? Kale crisps! Just a few short weeks after surgery that vow went from rule bending to all but forgotten in my mind. I still focus on protein first. I still get in my required water (most days). I still take my vitamins (every day). But if I want some chips I’ll grab a couple. If I want a hot dog, I’ll take a bite. If I walk past Aunt Annie’s in the mall…I’ll probably eat some of a pretzel. Point being, I’m living my life! I had this surgery to guess what? Have a life! This means no more dieting. No more obsessing over every little calorie. I was on MyFitnessPal for a time but I’ve since stopped because I found myself beating myself up for not hitting a specific number of protein grams or going over my daily calories. I’ve decided I’m going to go with how I feel. Do the best that I can to avoid emotional eating and stop when I realize I’ve lost it and gone on a binge. Move my ass but not so rapidly that I injure myself or mentally burn myself out and don’t want to continue. That’s all. This is for the rest of my life…and not until I was officially post op did I begin to learn what exactly that means.